Last night I went to bed by 3 AM. I woke up by 7 AM, and I was puffy eyed and feeling lightheaded. Whenever I don’t get enough sleep (or don’t get any sleep at all) I always tend to feel as if I were a puppet, like I was barely touching the ground and that there was some sort of force pulling my head upwards.
This morning, I had one of the most peculiar dreams. It wasn’t the usual kind of dream that I had. For starters, I don’t exactly remember how the dream started, and I only remember how it ended. For some mysterious reason, the place I was in was going to be bombed. I think I was in a train station. I don’t remember who I was with, but I think my younger brother was there. I remember that we were given time to escape the place before it exploded. Instead of running towards the exit, I just stayed inside the building and walked calmly towards the bomb. I don’t really remember the first few details that well (but I do recall that the setting had a lot of posts and it was colored in white) but I do remember the explosion — It felt real but unreal. This was one of those dreams wherein a part of my conscious mind was “in the works,” like I could “think” while in the dream. I remember thinking something like, “Should I die now? Will I have regrets?” but even before I could really settle what I wanted to do, the bright orange flames had already engulfed my being and before I knew it I was dead.
The feeling of “death” in my dream was quite… different from what I usually imagined. Even though I was burned to death, I didn’t feel any pain. I remember my last thought was “I love you, Lord.” and after that I felt some sort of.. detachment. In that moment I could see my body lying on the floor, the next second it was as if my soul and my body had split, and after a heartbeat my flesh had already burnt but my soul was set free, flying elsewhere. I remember feeling the relief of having “died”. It’s as if I were set free from my worldly cares, and I felt at peace with myself. It was actually a very comforting feeling.
Last night as I said my prayers, I mentioned the CDO tragedy, the death toll, my brother, and I also thought about wanting to have a good dream to comfort myself. I think this dream was an answer to my prayer, somehow. Also, yesterday I read a poem about death being man’s best friend, so that piece of literature must’ve played a role in the plotting of this dream somehow, and the SMRT train situation must’ve contributed to the train station setting… Either way, I feel a little more at ease now. Regarding the CDO tragedy, the people who have died are at peace now. Nothing would come out of feeling sorry for them, pitying them, or maybe regretting something I did to them. I guess the more important thing is to look after those that they’ve left behind, to help them heal, to help them move on.