While doing my dishes today, a lot of questions sprouted about in my head.

Is it right to go into a relationship even though you have no intentions of marrying your partner? You love them, yes, but they have expressed their desire of a long future with you, and you are skeptic of this. Would it be right to leave it to time to test your views? Would you gamble away both of your emotions in hopes that maybe your feelings would change in the future? 

Is it okay to be in a serious relationship knowing that you could not reciprocate your lovers’ feelings in the way that they wish for you to? You love them enough to compromise and make sacrifices, but when a romantic falls for the aromantic, what does their future bring?

Maybe I should write a story to explore this topic. Maybe then, I will find answers.

Have you ever had that feeling wherein you wanted to hold someone’s hand so badly? Have you ever felt like linking your arms as you sat next to each other? Have you ever tried wanting to be mistaken as a couple, but you don’t really want to be an actual item? Have you ever had feelings so similar for two different people that you just want to settle for something… anything… just so that you wouldn’t have to take so long to answer whenever one of them asked, “What are we, really?”

Have you ever had to turn away whenever someone complimented you not because you didn’t want to accept it, but it’s because you’re trying hard to believe in it just so that you wouldn’t feel so sorry for yourself? Do you ever feel like running away because people seem to like you too much even though you don’t really like yourself? Have you experienced having your good intentions being misunderstood, and you’re labeled negatively when in reality you were only trying to be a better person?

Have you ever tried going to sleep, but in the end you are plagued by these sorts of thoughts and you can’t seem to relax at all?

Have you ever thought of killing yourself just to see how death would feel like?

Paper and Growing Up

I get really put off when I meet people that want to work mainly for money. I mean sure, I understand how you would want to get a nice house or a posh car or a sleek new wardrobe, but why in the world would you want to enslave yourself to the pursuit of paper???

Maybe I’m just young and naive and idealistic, but I really think that if you work towards something that you are passionate about, you may not earn much at the beginning or at all, but if you practice hard enough you could get recognition for it, and with recognition comes status, and with status comes reputation, and reputation could always bring you clients. The pursuit of money gives you digits in the passbook, but the pursuit of dreams paints a wholesome image.

What happened to working because you loved what you were doing?

I’m the type of person that loves to work, and I find “payment” as a bonus to being able to have fun while on-job. I feel so blessed to have found a career that revolves around things that I am interested in, and although I may not be talented in many fields, I try to make up for my flaws with my passion.

Well now that I think about it, I may just be too idealistic about all this… I am pretty sure reality will continue to harden me, and it already is… Sometimes I just look back at my life and sigh at how I slowly let go of my innocence and traded it for “real world knowledge.” But then I can’t help but think at how we were all children once. There was a time when we didn’t care who we were, as long as you wanted to hang out, then why the heck not. We wouldn’t have picked up the sensitivity for these sorts of things if nobody taught us such, but who taught us then? Who was the first man to gain this sort of “maturity” to the point that he was able to instill it into almost all of mankind? Maybe it’s what has been “tried and tested” throughout our development as a society to be the effective way of survival, but I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, “mental maturity” was where human evolution went wrong.

Because there is so much to learn, so much to see, and so much to be in the eyes of a child.

Maybe we weren’t meant to grow up.

Ahh, to marry a man I could read books with

That’d be a dream come true

That is if he would be willing to even marry me in return

I really want a pet…….

When I was in sixth grade my dad told me that he had so much love to give but couldn’t find any worthy people to give them to, but he also felt that if our family was any bigger he feared that it’d change the harmony we already had…

I never really understood him back then but I kind of feel the same way right now. As the days go by I find myself missing a certain kind of friend I don’t have — a companion. Sure, I have friends back home, but that’s what — they’re back home. I have friends in school but the language barrier kind of stops me from really hanging out with them. I have other friends too, but they’re mostly younger than me and have very few similar interests with me, and I can only talk about mundane things for so long. I could join a fellowship if I wanted to, but then again, I can only stay in a ~spiritual state~ for such a long time.

I think I just really need a hug. I haven’t had one in almost 3 months. And this is something, since back in high school I practically gave hugs every day.

So yes. I kind of really want a pet… a being that I could call my friend. Maybe when I’m out of college I’d get myself a dog. My hostel keeps some cats but I grew up hating felines, and when I tried to befriend one of the kittens here, it must’ve sensed that since it clawed me when I tried to pet it.

I’m so forever alone.

I realize now that most girls would probably find this feeling as a trigger to get a boyfriend. No way is that happening to me.

"3 Things You Decide For Yourself"

I remember this lecture very clearly. I was a fourth grader, and my English teacher was talking to us about our future. The 9 year-old me told her that in the future, I was to be an astronaut, but we all know that that isn’t what I’m studying to be right now. (I still wish I could get out of this world sometimes, though.)

As she was talking to us, she told us about her regrets in life, and how she didn’t want us to feel the same way when we grew up. She shared how she wish she’d learned how to play an instrument, and reminded us that it was important for us to learn how to ride a bike. (I only learned how when I was already a fourth year high school student…)

Somewhere along the line, she told us that there were three things that nobody could dictate for us. These three were things that even our parents couldn’t decide for us, and they were of great importance. They were our

  1. career,
  2. religion, and
  3. spouse.

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I’m having nightmares when I’m still awake

My mind keeps telling me, “Yanka you shouldn’t do this.”

But I ask it back, “When was the last time you went against what other people wanted you to do and went for what you wanted for yourself?”

So guess what? Whatever.

Who cares if they’d think I’m weird. It’s not like if I conformed with what was “normal” I’d be exempted from their judging glares, since they’d still brand me as someone who was “boring” and “never took risks.”

If I lose friends because of this, then I guess they were never my friends to be with.

I told myself that I’d wait for the third strike, but today marks the fourth time… I can’t neglect this anymore. Personally, I am unable to accept this part of myself. I always dismissed it as a “phase” but if it’s been almost two years since it first surfaced, shouldn’t I be alarmed?

I am scared. Honestly.

But. If this is who I am… then… I’m going to have to learn to deal with it. Somehow.

For a sixteen year-old, I don’t know much about relationships.

I wonder how other people know about what to do in romantic relationships at such an early age. I’m 16 and I don’t even have a clear understanding on what flirting even is.

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of my friends posting videos about these things, like those by Jamich and WongFu Productions. Aside from the latter’s “Strangers, Again” I never watched anything remotely related to real-life relationships. You can test me about typical manga relationships and I would ace that exam with flying cherry blossoms. But ACTUAL, LEGIT relationships? Ha-ha. No.

So anyway, just a few minutes ago I watched half of Jamich's “By Chance” and when it came to the confession part (when Jam asked Pau [those are their names right I didn't hear wrongly] if he could court her) I was like “YOOOOOO INANA DIAY NA?!” (“Whoa, that’s how it’s done?!”) LOL! I am so oblivious when it comes to these things. Good Lord. I didn’t know that’s how it is… if I had known better, I would’ve given people better responses back then… Right now I feel so bad about all the guys that have confronted me with this exact question because I dealt with it TOO casually since I thought it meant something else!!

I’m telling you, ignorance is a bad thing, who cares if curiosity killed the cat, I still feel that knowledge is power lol!

Even though I say this, I’m still not that interested in romantic relationships hahaha

Measuring tape

Last night, I took out my measuring tape for the first time in a long time.

I wrapped the thing around me and the numbers I got did not please me one bit.

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Wow, life’s just turning out to be better and better lately! :)

Of course there are some downfalls, but I am comforted by the fact that these problems are things that won’t last very long, and when I do surpass them, I’d end up stronger or better because of them :-) In fact, I’m going to go as far as saying that I’m actually pretty excited to jump over these hurdles life has put out for me! I’m that inspired right now!

Thank you so much Lord for all these blessings! I look at these scars and think, “I have come from such a long way” but really, it would not have been possible without you!

Of course, I’d also like to mention that I am very grateful for my parents as well. I am so blessed to have them! I can’t help but think that I’m being rather selfish right now since I’m following my dreams in the expense that my folks have to sacrifice so much and I could only repay them with little gestures that probably don’t even amount to anything… hmm, I should probably do something special for them soon. :)